There’s a version of me who should probably never be allowed near a government office to run the world, but who should be allowed to run the life of someone for just a day. Unsupervised Coco is powered by Starbucks refreshers, intrusive thoughts, and the belief that life is too short to be normal all the time. We live in a world where we have to pretend far too much to fit in and sometimes, we need a day to just be us. Where the intrusive thoughts come to life and help someone loosen up. Today would be the day for that. My ADHD is running rampant and I need a break from life so I’m taking the mic. Here’s the 15 commandments my intrusive thoughts want to live by.

Commandment 1… Buy the fancy jelly or jam. You deserve jelly and jam-based opulence. I was just talking about my love of pepper jelly. The common person hasn’t heard of it but 9 out of 10 times I just know they would love it. It can’t just be any pepper jelly though. It must be in a jar that looks like it belongs in a medieval castle pantry. If it has a handwritten label, it is even better. If it costs more than your last uber ride, then that’s the one and congrats. You’re not entering your gourmet villain era. Spread it thick. Spread it recklessly. Spread it like you’re the protagonist of a period drama who just inherited a vineyard.

Commandment 2…. If you’re torn between two or three snacks, get them all. This is not indulgence, it’s diplomacy. This is you preventing a civil war between your different cravings. Besides, the economy needs stimulation, and you are a humble hero out here doing your part. Snack patriotism for the win.

Commandment 3…. Wear an outfit that feels like it’s “too much” for the occasion. If you feel even a whisper of “Is this too dramatic?” the answer is and always should be, ABSOLUTELY NOT. Let the grocery store see your power. Let the gas station witness you slay. Let the dentist wonder if you’re famous. Show up and show out, if for no one else then do it for you.

Commandment 4.… Never trust a person who says they don’t like dessert. They’re either lying or spiritually dehydrated. Anyone who rejects sugar is hiding something. Whether it’s a secret family, a burner identity, or a deep fear of joy, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Stay vigilant.

Commandment 5.… If you’re overwhelmed just lie on the floor but do it dramatically. Bonus points if you sigh loudly and put the back of your hand to your forehead like a Victorian heroine who just received devastating news via a telegram or letter. It’s grounding. It’s theatrical. It’s free therapy with a touch of melodrama.

Commandment 6…. Romanticize the mundane with zero shame. Pour your coffee like you’re in a fancy coffee commercial. Fold laundry like you’re in a coming of age montage. Narrate your life with a French accent for no other reason than because it feels rich and fancy.

Commandment 7…. If you want to leave a party, then just leave. No explanations. No guilt. No “I’ll stay for one more drink.” Just vanish like a folklore creature who appears only at dusk and disappears when bored.

Commandment 8…. Keep a delusional confidence playlist. Songs that make you feel like you could negotiate world peace or buy a penthouse with store credit. Use it before meetings, blind dates, or any situation that requires main character energy. Remind yourself who runs shit.

Commandment 9.… If you’re debating whether to rest or push through. Take a rest. Always. You’re not a Victorian chimney sweep. You are a modern human with access to soft blankets, snacks, and the right to horizontal living.

Commandment 10…. Treat your hobbies like sacred rituals. Even if the ritual is “eating snacks while pretending to journal.” Your hobbies don’t need to be productive. They just need to be yours and make your heart happy.

Commandment 11…. If someone gives you the ick, trust it immediately. Your intuition is a tiny emotional FBI agent with a perfect track record. If it whispers no, then the answer is always no. Seriously this is probably the most important commandment out of them all.

Commandment 12…. Always keep a petty comeback in the drafts. Not to send so much but just to admire and remind yourself, they are messing with the right one. It’s like emotional jewelry. A little sparkle for your inner gremlin that rarely makes an appearance but is there and ready if necessary.

Commandment 13…. Take yourself on dates. Sit in a café with your headphones in and pretend you’re a mysterious love interest from a rom-com. Order dessert for yourself. Buy flowers for yourself. Be the person you want someone else to be to you because you know you best and you know what you need and want.

Commandment 14…. If you want to reinvent yourself, do it on a Tuesday. Don’t wait for the new year, new month, or new moon. Chaos doesn’t follow the calendar. Neither should your glow up.

Commandment 15…. When in doubt, choose the option that feels like a story. Life is short. Collect anecdotes like they’re rare Pokémon. If it’ll make future you laugh, gasp, clutch your pearls, or write about it, just do it.

None of this advice will make you a better person but it will make you a more entertaining one. Life is already full of so many rules, regulations, expectations, and people telling others to just be sensible. These commandments are the exact opposite. They’re a permission slip to be a little chaotic, a little indulgent, and a lot more of yourself. So go forth, be unhinged in the most harmless and delightful way. Your inner gremlin is always waiting. 

XOXO,

Savi Monroe